Friday, June 15, 2007

Lara Croft

So, I raided my roommate's DVDs for something to watch (Friday evening movie ritual) and settled on Lara Croft, Tomb Raider. I grilled myself a brie and ham sandwich and settled in with my sparkling water to watch the DVD.

Movie starts with a fight scene between Lara and... a robot. No dialogue, no witty banter, no storyline--just some very odd shots of Lara Croft, calibrated to figure into male audience members' post-movie fantasies. When she finally speaks, we discover that it was all part of her training, and Lara runs off to... take a shower! Once in the shower she does the whole eyes closed, mouth open run her hands over her (not soapy) hair. No rinse lather and repeat here. Then, we are treated to a shot of her flipping her looong hair back. Who actually showers like this? Mouth open? Why has Lara not yet drowned? Why hasn't she pulled a muscle in her neck from that hair flipping move?

Anyway, out of the shower the butler attempts to hand Lara a dress to "turn her into a lady." Lara refuses, drops the towel which was wrapped around her, and walks away.

I actually am going to finish the movie. Well, I plan on finishing the movie. Why? Well, what else is there to do that is quite as brainless and yet oh so evilly amusing?

Okay, I think I can make it through the movie if I take frequent breaks (for food and snide comments on my 'blog). First of all, those are the most unnatural looking breasts I have ever seen. I know that she had to wear fake boobies for the movie and she looks like she is going to fall on her face. I mean, the things are laugh-worthy.

Secondly, delving back into the world of "how obvious can we make this for our viewers" we have Lara sitting at a desk, Lara complaining to Butler, Lara mentioning that the 15th is never a good day (regular menstrual cycle?), Lara looking at picture of old man (obviously father), Shot of a grave marker with May 15th written on it, Shot of Lara looking at gravestone with May 15th written on it, Lara looking at gravestone and saying, "I miss you Daddy." So, just in case you missed it, Lara's father died May 15th and she misses him terribly.

Oh, and the accent. Faux-Brit with a bedroom husk. In fact, Lara hasn't actually said a line, she has whispered sexily. I don't know if that is her version of a British accent (still better than Costner, by the way) or if it is intended to be part of the whole wet dream package.

Okay, back to the movie.

Oh wait, one more thing: the alignment of planets that happens once every 5000 years. Hello! Even more so than a full moon on Halloween, this is really gonna draw the freaks from out of their basements. I mean, if I were in a movie that had any kind of planetary alignment, I'd be freakin' out 'cause you just know someone somewhere is gonna be trying some voodoo.


Oooooo, let's destroy some cars now.

Okay, we're gonna take a break and make some rice pudding.


Aaaaaaaannnd... cue the Illuminati!

Meanwhile, made my rice pudding and now I'm just waiting for it to set. I think it is gonna be pretty good... I just hope that it actually sets a little more as it cools. Right now it is thick and creamy rice soup.

Okay, I'm back. Lara has to find and destroy both halfs of a triangle so the Illuminati don't get it and do verrryyyy baaaad things with it. I want to know what is wrong with just destroying one half of the triangle. I mean, it renders the second half useless and it makes the movie a bit shorter. A win-win situation, I think.

Have lost count of Indiana Jones moments... only, Indiana Jones is muccchhhh better. Smaller boobs.
Gasp! Lara Croft's father was in the Illuminati!

And my rice pudding is freakin' awesome... if a little soupy.
Now we're in Siberia... and I'm understanding a few words of Russian... scary.
Hey, isn't that twisty planet thing from The Dark Crystal?
Wow... glad that's over. Now I can go get Lara Croft 2 from my roommate...


At 3:39 PM, Anonymous Anna said...

The turning point where this blog went from from amusing to great was the comparison to Costner's English accent. :)

mmm, (soupy) rice pudding...


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