Saturday, August 27, 2005


Well, school starts on Monday. I am still not set up for tutoring, but at least now I know where I am going to be--at least for now. I will be working in the writing center, but the prof in charge of the wc really does not want me there--she has some idea about students getting mixed messages or something. Whatever. I think she's pretty lucky that I will be there. If her tutors get an ESL students they don't want to deal with, they can just send him/her over to me. I know that when I worked in the wc at UMBC there were a lot of tutors who didn't feel comfortable working with ESL students. Oh well. What a mess. I hate it when already complicated things become even more complicated because someone gets a bug in his or her ass and decides to initiate a power struggle. It happened at the IUFM last year in France. At least this year I speak the language--so I already am way ahead of where I was last year.

So. There was an English graduate assistant get-together last Wednesday. I went but I only lasted about 30 seconds--a new record, even for me. It was held in this tiny, tiny room that had a large table in the center. There was, quite literally, no room to move. I walked in, looked around, realized that there was absolutely no one I recognized, and walked out again. Meet and Greets are honestly and absolutely my idea of hell. I don't know if there is really anything worse. (I don't like bars either--for pretty much the same reason.) Boy, I am such a loser. I have to be careful or I will wind up living in a log cabin in... Canada. Not that that would be such a bad thing. Except I would have to have central heat.

Replaced the flapper in my toilet. I know, I know, that is not a big deal, but I'm still proud of myself. Maybe one day I will move out on my own--maybe even buy a home. Wow. Better not get too crazy just yet.

So. I have not gone on any dates in two years now. Over two years I think. Why not? Umm, didn't I just cover the fact that I am an anti-social loser? Still, I can't help but wonder if there is something fundamentally wrong with me. I mean, here I am, 26 years old and living in a little shell-cave. Then again, not that I have been looking. The last time I tried the whole boyfriend thing it was a flaming disaster (and I don't mean that he was gay). He was just so damned immature. It really started me thinking about guys, especially guys my age. With abnormally few exceptions, the guys I have dated have been like children. Maybe that would be fine if I wanted kids, but I don't. On one hand, I can't help but think that maybe my expectations are too high. Then I start to think that the expectations I have for guys are still not as high as the expectations I have for myself. So should I really be willing to compromise that much? Then I start to think that it is all fine to have high expectations if one is drop-dead attractive--which I am not. I'm not ugly, but I have freckles and glasses, which are not high up on the list of all things hot. But if I am going to have to "settle" then why bother? Why not just remain single? It would be nice to have someone to travel with, but other than that--! I don't want kids, I don't want to get married--hell, I don't even want to live with someone (let alone share my bed with someone. I sleep in the middle--dead center. No way in hell I am going to change that now). Then again, if it were all fine and dandy, would I even have brought up the fact that I have not dated for so long? Or maybe it is just pressure from society? Maybe it doesn't bother me--and that is what actually bothers me. Hmm. Or maybe my question is: is it a problem with guys or is it a problem with me? If it is a problem with guys, that's fine. But if it is a problem with me--well, what then. What would I change and would I even want to change? Isn't the whole idea now not to change for guys? But it doesn't seem possible to live with them if one does not change. They start out all, "whatever you want," then a few months later they already expect you to plan your life around theirs. No traveling (and they would never, ever go with you), no this, but that is okay. If you like popular music you are shallow. If you like classical music you are a snob. WTF? I just think that if you are in a relationship it should be because the person you are with makes you a better person. I have seen friends with people who bring out the worst in them and friends with people who bring out the best in them--I know which I prefer. But most guys seem to bring out the worst in me--and then I hate myself for being such a bitch. Ugh. UGH! And I can't just become a lesbian because I don't want to have sex with girls. Looks like a life of celibacy for me.


At 10:19 PM, Blogger Jjirikki said...

I think freckles and glass are drop dead sexy! Anyway, with my experiences, I say it is a problem with guys but I'm in a guy hating mood right now.

At 10:34 AM, Blogger Ovonia Red said...

Well, if I ever change my mind about being a lesbian, I will be sure to look you up!

Are you and Craig having problems? I hope not.

At 11:33 AM, Blogger Jjirikki said...

Not me an Craig so much. Just he has been in Georgia for a week and a half and already some of my guy friends are trying to move in. I just don't see why they have to go there. Boundaries have already been firmly established. I'm just sick of horny guys really.

At 8:57 AM, Blogger STAG said...

Or could it be that you are hanging around the University? But wait, they are mature, just ask any of them! Catch them before they drive away from the kegger though. Actually the only reason guys seem to be thinking only with their balls is, well, because they do....mostly.

Required reading....
Deborah Tannan..."You Just Don't Understand" and "Communication in the Work Force".


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